To say a lot has been going on in my life of late would likely qualify for the ‘understatement of the year’ award. One of my friends recently commented that the past four months I had apparently hit the “motherload of trouble” and there isn’t any apparent end in sight. In four months I have:
- lost my father to suicide
- discovered my husband was suffering from severe clinical depression and post-traumatic stress disorder
- resigned from our ministry position at church, that neither of us wanted to leave but we had to because of the above
- faced the prospect of quitting my current job and both of us having to find new employment in the worst job market in decades
- begun the process of packing and finding a new place to live
- been forced to be away from my husband and little girl at least 4 out of 7 days (and nights) a week
I don’t say all that as some kind of pity party. It is what it is. But all of this hitting me like an earthquake – aftershocks included – has made me delve into some spiritual waters that I had, at best, been merely dabbling my toes in before. I’ve always been an obsessive reader, but more for entertainment than for real study. The past few weeks I’ve started reading a lot of material to help me get a grasp on everything that has occurred. I’ve read a book on grief, which has helped me put some perspective on my journey and my mother’s journey through dealing with our loss. I’ve read – and reread – the book which I commented on in another post, Mad Church Disease: Overcoming the Burnout Epidemic by Anne Jackson. It has helped me see that David and I are not alone in this ‘epidemic’ and many of the things we experienced are frighteningly common in the ministerial life. Sometimes just knowing you aren’t the only one going through something is enough to give you strength to face it.
In the past week I have been avidly reading Michael Yaconelli’s book Messy Spirituality. Now I’ll give you fair warning. If you haven’t read this book and aren’t comfortable with reading a lot of things that will fly in the face of traditional, mainstream (most especially holiness) doctrines, then you probably shouldn’t read this book. I don’t agree with everything Michael says, but he has stretched me in some ways that I think I needed stretching.
One of the topics he addresses is the modern epidemic of “fast living” and what he means by that is not the “sex, drugs, and rock and roll” that a lot of us immediately think of, but literally living fast – speeding through life at warp speed to the point that we leave our family and our spiritual life behind. He eloquently expresses a concept that I have been feeling but really hadn’t expressed ope
nly. “Speed damages our souls because living fast consumes every ounce of our energy. Speed has a deafening roar that drowns out the whispering voices of our souls and leaves Jesus as a diminishing speck in the rear view mirror.” This was one of those “ah-ha” moments for me…something my exhausted body and spirit had been screaming at me, but me too-tired brain just couldn’t compute. I don’t grow faster spiritually by doing more, more quickly. It’s not more church activities or more bible studies or more events that cause my faith to strengthen or my heart to heal. I like this other quote as well: “Christianity is not about inviting Jesus to speed through life with us; it’s about noticing Jesus sitting at the rest stop.”
I think the devil doesn’t have to work nearly as hard at pushing us to destroy ourselves with blatant sin, when he can just push us to do more ‘good things’ to the point that we destroy ourselves with exhaustion, burnout, ‘soul fatigue’ and the disillusionment and withdrawal that follows. He doesn’t have to convince us to turn our back on God if he can make us accept the equation GOD = church work. But Jesus came to give us rest!
Most of us have lived so long at this breakneck pace, we don’t know how to rest anymore. When my brother and I would sit down and talk about what could have motivated my father to commit suicide, one of the conclusions we came to was that daddy’s retirement was the key to his unraveling. He didn’t know how to handle retirement, or not having a schedule, not having a million things to do. He had worked all of his life and suddenly, when retirement was forced upon him, he was lost. He didn’t know how to rest. To my father, having nothing to do translated into having no value. “Rest is the ultimate humiliation because in order to rest, we must admit we are not necessary, that the world can get along without us, that God’s work does not depend on us.” (p. 98) I wish he could have seen what I am beginning to see; that being with Jesus is more important than working for Him.
Matthew 11:28 (NLT)
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.
A Healing Place 